Holy Crap.
Is it just me or does anyone else feel like the last six weeks have been a rather large mind-f*#k? I’m looking back and wondering exactly how I managed to make it from November until now without actually falling apart.
Well, wait a minute. I did fall apart, but that was part of the cyclone that has been the last 2 months.
Rest in Pieces
I bid farewell to my father last month; or rather, I’ve tried to. The day I found out he’d died I’d asked his wife if I could have some of his ashes so I could memorialize him in my own way. He didn’t have a funeral or a service, nor apparently an obituary, so all I have of him is old pictures… and a lot of memories.
Still, no ashes.
I always wondered what life after death looked like when a parent dies. From my vantage point — at least as far as my father was concerned — it looks exactly the same as when he was here on earth. Which is to say, he’s remained emotionally detached and kept his distance. Whether or not his wife has been complicit in this detachment remains to be seen. I’ve been requesting his ashes — as well as any legal documents pertaining to his death, beneficiaries, will, etc. — in writing and I’ve heard nothing.
The fact that my name or my existence doesn’t seem to appear anywhere or in/on anything in relation to him or his last wishes has had an effect on me.
It was the final wave in this long goodbye.
Disjointed
In addition to work and family stress, I’ve also been experiencing really excruciating pain in some of the joints of my upper body. There have been moments in the last couple of months where I feel as though my body is actually and honestly falling apart.
The arrival of the pain doesn’t coincide with anything specific and it disappears as randomly as it appears. Add in a low-grade fever that tends to show up with said pain and you’ve got yourself a medical mystery. Or at least it’s a mystery until a doctor’s appointment and said pain happen at the same time. I’ve scheduled appointments only to cancel them because the pain disappears.
I have my theories on what the pain is relation to and it isn’t stress. For now, I’m enjoying a few days with all of my limbs working unaffected by inflammation.
Who said getting old wasn’t fun?
Resting in Peace
Every year I’ve come up with an intention word. Last year it was joy and about finding it or getting rid of that which didn’t bring it.
This year’s word is Peace.
I’m not looking to buy the world a cola or throw off my bra in protest of a hippie dippie mentality. My peace has more to do with internal harmony and finding a safe place for me to feel and heal.
I’m an INFJ Aquarius (just like Oprah!) which means my head is swirling with a lot of internal battles around being vulnerable, cerebral, and introspective all whilst trying to figuring out how to make the world a better place. Basically, being in my own head is exhausting and yet trying to get out of my own head is confusing.
Four years ago in an effort to give my brother and sister a gift that they couldn’t get anywhere else, I wrote them each a series of letters with advice from their big sister. I gave my mom a copy of all of the letters as a Mother’s Day present.
The gift for them turned out to be a gift to myself as well. I find most of my peace when I’m writing.
As I struggled to make sense of the cacophony of emotions and feelings running through my head last month I remember wishing someone had given me the kind of sage advice I’d given them… and then it hit me.
I’d find my peace in 2020 by using the gift that God, mom, and my father gave me: I’d write. More specifically, I’d write a book about advice I would have given myself.
I knew I was on to something when the words starting flowing quickly and easily from my fingers onto my computer screen. In a few short days I’d developed a title, the chapter structure, and 25 pages of content. I try to write each day, but the format of content of the book is usually more dependent on what’s going on that day or any signifiant things that happened on that day in the past.
I hope to have more (and exciting) details about the book as the year progresses, but for now, I’m giving peace a chance.
The Accidental Badass 